People often ask me...well, no, they don't actually ask me very often, but they might: "Plaidder, of all the characters you have made up for this thing, Viecter mac hIrbirt seems to be the most gratuitous, and that's saying summat. What the hell is he doing in there?"
Well, one thing Viecter is is a representation of fandom--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Viecter has for whatever reason become obsessed with the story of Theamh and Istria, and become a fan. On the one hand, he's generous, outgoing, and goodhearted, which typifies the bright side of fandom. On the other, he writes fan poetry. It was re some fan poetry that appeared in the newsletter of a certain Star Trek actor's fan club that I first said, "Oh my God, this is poetry that could make your HEAD BLEED." Theamh reprises this line in "Something To Talk About" when she first takes a stab at Viecter's magnum opus, "A Shriia's Way": "Well, my head wasn't bleeding yet; but I wasn't hopeful."
Knowing how I feel about this, of course, some of my fans have taken it upon themselves to see if they can make my head bleed. To show them I can take it, I have created a space on the WOF site just for fan poetry. So BRING IT ON!
Darth Julie, Director of Marketing
WITH GREAT REGRET
Illustration: Blurry picture of butterflies flapping around a weeping milkmaid.
(inside)
I didn't feed your vigils,
It completely slipped my mind,
Feel free to spank me silly,
Mna does it all the time.
I committed a real faux pas,
I fucked up really bad,
I know I'm a bad apprentice,
But please please don't be mad.
I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!
NAMING DAY
Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's my NAMING day!
Put on your boots! Grab your coats!
Phone the neighbors! Wake the goats!
Here comes the shriia! She's on her way!
To name me on this blessed day!
The [surname] family cordially invites you to the naming of their child, [used name], on [date] at [time] in [location]. [Child's name] is registered at Babies 'R' Us.
Perpetrator: D. Joan Leib
I invented a new art form today: WOF Haiku. Just for the joy of watching Susan's head explode, here are some examples. :)
Lythril is like an
Angry tiger, leaping down
Onto my bare head.
Feed the vigils or
Life will become unpleasant.
The ceiling is hard.
Toil hard, my scoilin,
And soon you too can begin
To make your hreapa.
NightQueen does not seem
A proper name for Ideire.
Just call me Sonnia.
Hello Plaid Adder,
Won't you write me a novel
in a million words?
Lythril, dark user,
torments our hero Theamh,
but Idair prevails.
Theamh's new scoilin:
Harry Potter in a dress.
Crossover Delight!
Finally enraged by this last effort, I wrote my sole and, I solemnly promise, only WOF haiku:
Harry Potter is
Not shriia material--
Good vigil snack, though!
We Are Lythril's Help
(sung to the tune of "We are Santa's Elves" from the Claymation holiday special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Complaints should be sent to:Mikki Gaesca
Making plans so dark.
Goin' 'gainst the Pharc.
O.K., You can tell
That we're going to hell.
Oh! We are Lythril's help.
Causing death and pain,
before we go insane
We do what we're told
Just for all that gold.
Oh! We are Lythril's help!
Ho! Ho! Ho! She's got our souls.We are Lythril's help.
Going by The Book.
(Quick Nixon impersonation) I AM NOT A CROOK.
We don't fight fair,
because we don't care.
Oh! We are Lythril's help.
Hee. Hee. Hee. We're not Shri. We are Lythril's help.
Wear a silver chain,
for the Dark One's gain.
We won't last long,
Heh, life's just a song.
Oh! We are Lythril's help.
Hi, Ho, Hi! Susan sigh. We are Lythril's help.
Lythril Is A Dark User
(tune: "Sheena is a Punk Rocker" by the Ramones>
Joey Ramone's Legal Staff Should Contact: Jay Weaver
After the Old Tongue test all the scoilins are ready to go.
They're ready to go now
Bonehead goodie two-shoes playing dubh solis on the Pharc lawn
But Lythril leered and said
"I have to break away!"
They say Cretid City has it all
Oh ye-eh, oh ye-eh, oh yeeeeeeeeeh
Lythril is a dark user
Lythril is a dark user
Lythril is a dark user nooooooow
Kengda was a dump just bogs, bad weather and fnaa.
Lots of fnaa now
No place for a girl with ambition and talent to boot, you kno-ow.
And when she got her chain
She had to make it plain
"I'll do what it takes, I ain't never ever gonna grow old!"
Oh ye-eh, oh ye-eh, oh yeeeeeeeeeeh
Lyhtril is a dark user
Lythril is a dark user
Lythril is a dark user noooooooow
Well she's a
dark dark, a dark user
dark dark, a dark user
no mercy, not a loser,
This bitch, she's a bruiser
Well Lythril's on the run 'cause Theamh's opened up a can
a can of a hyagleach now
Istria's back on the team and she's spittin' mad, oh yeh
But even in this fix
Lythril still has her bag of tricks
World domination just ain't for the faint of heart
Oh ye-eh, oh ye-eh, oh yeeeeeeeeeeeh
Lythril is a dark user
Lythril is a dark user
Lythril is a dark user nooooooow