Yeah, sure, in Ideire you can't sell shri. But this is America, and we can sell anything! Choose from among these fabulous items:
A. WOMEN ON FIRE ACTION FIGURES!
Now with Flaming Hand Action! Not recommended for children under 8 years old. Keep out of reach of pets and pyros. Each lifelike, anatomically correct figure comes with hreapa, shift, and ropesoles. Robes and chains sold separately.B. SING ALONG WITH THEAMH.
Amuse yourself and occupy your children with this catchy recording of all the songs of shri. Simple lyrics and repetitive tunes make this compilation a favorite with tots and toddlers. Side A in Old Tongue, Side B in the mysterious "vernacular." For $1.50 extra get your bonus 8-track tape, "Folk Songs of the Ideiren Hinterlands."C. WOMEN ON FIRE: THE SOUNDTRACK.
The best soundtrack album never created for the best film ever not made. This three-CD box set includes tracks from some of the hottest recording artists of today and yesteryear! Including:Jim Morrison, "Light My Fire" * Fleetwood Mac, "Break the Chain" * Nick Cave, "Red Right Hand" * Talking Heads, "Burning Down The House" *
...plus "Disco Inferno," "Witchy Woman," and just about everything Amy Ray ever wrote. Special bonus tracks include the Indigo Girls' cover of "Happy Ending" and Chandra Delpan's rendition of "Mambo No. 5." For an extra 5 bucks we'll send you the version that doesn't end with Celine Dion's cheesy rendition of the title song.
D. WOMEN ON FIRE INTERACTIVE TV KIT. Ever wish you could sit down and watch "Theamh The Vampire Slayer"? "Aine, The Teenage Witch"? "Dark Magic Court"? Now you can! Through the magic of magic, this handy remote control will allow you to insert your favorite WOF characters directly into your favorite TV shows. Think "Melrose Place" would have been better with Lythril in it? Load up the VCR, point this gizmo at Heather Locklear, and BAM! There she is. Love The Practice, but hate Bobby Donnell? ZOT! "Ellenor, meet our new senior partner, Ethir mac Briobh." You're happy, Ellenor's happy, and David E Kelley will be happy once someone explains it to him.
E. MINDSTRENGTH FOR DUMMIES.
Aine ni hEmer shows you how to build up that flabby mind of yours in 150 easy 3-hour workouts. If Sonnia can do it, so can you!F. WOMEN ON FIRE CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH!
Have you ever wondered who would win in a fight--Lara, or Jesse Helms? Theamh, or Calista Flockheart? Ulnach, or Marilyn Quayle? This interactive CD-Rom game lets you pit WOFsters against your real-world arch-nemeses for hours of entertainment. Free toaster to anyone who can find a real-world celebrity capable of giving Lythril a real pounding.G. THE CHRONICLES
. Shriias aren't allowed to proselytize, but there's no reason you can't. This handy collection of the Idair Chronicles makes an ideal gift for fundamentalist Christians, annoying relatives, and Jehovah's Witnesses. Tired of shooing wandering Mormons off your doorstep? "Here...let me give you some literature!" (WARNING: Many proselytizers cannot easily distinguish between reality and fantasy. Injudicious use of this product may result in them returning to your home and asking you to become their diaoc.)H. WOMEN ON FIRE AEROBIC WORKOUT.
FEEL the burn! Morat will drag your pasty, out of shape body through hell and back as she puts you through the same rigorous course of physical training inflicted on the scoili. Or, if you need someone truly evil, order our companion series, Lythril's bestselling Healthy Heart Workout. "Do another set. Or else I will kill you, and no one will find your body."I. WOMEN ON FIRE FREEWEIGHTS
. Actually, you probably already own this. Just roll up Taken Child in your left hand and Darkness Bright in your right. Now pump up those pecs!Order now! Operators are standing by!