The Plaid Adder's CRITIQUE OF THE WEEK

This week's target: Watergate.

Hey, kids! Wondering what to do when you graduate from high school? Concerned that flipping burgers may be too intellectually challenging for you? Take this handy quiz to determine whether you've got what it takes to become...a Nixon Goon!

1. You're a former CIA operative working for the President in charge of a secret and highly illegal operation to bug the offices of the Democratic Party, which will involve burglarizing their headquarters. In order to prevent investigators from tracing th e burglars back to the White House in the event of an arrest, you've hired a bunch of Cuban expatriate Bay of Pigs veterans to do the actual burgling. During a meeting with the burgling staff at their hotel, you remember that you forgot to mail that payme nt to your country club you've been carrying around all day. Should you:

a) Hang onto it and mail it tomorrow. You don't want to leave anything in Watergate that has your name on it.
b) Take it down to the front desk at the Watergate and ask the concierge to pop it in the mail slot for you.
c) Give it to one of the burglars and ask him to put it down the mail chute when he gets a chance.

2. The covert operation you were directing has been detected by the police and it is now imperative that you prevent the investigation from reaching the White House. In order to do this, you need to set up a meeting with John Dean, the President's legal c ounsel, and let him know what's up. Where should you have this meeting?

a) As far away from the White House as possible, perhaps in Alexandria, or maybe Paraguay.
b) An abandoned warehouse at the dead of night.
c) A park bench in broad daylight within sight of the White House.

3. At this meeting, it occurs to you that what you personally know could easily bring down the entire administration. What do you say to the President's counsel?

a) "Nice weather for the time of year, eh?"
b) "Man, I figure my continued silence on this matter must be worth, what, half of Nixon's campaign war chest?"
c) "I'm a soldier. If you ever feel it necessary, you just call me up, and I'll go stand right on that streetcorner, and you can shoot me."

4. You are one of the President's closest advisors. As such, it falls to you to organize things like plans to break into the enemy's headquarters. Clearly the memos that document this process would be bad things to have leaked to the press. How should you go about drafting them?

a) Type them yourself on plain paper. Don't sign them; they'll know it's you.
b) Type them yourself, but sign them with your code name "El Lobo Loco."
c) Write them out longhand, then give them to your secretary to type up. Sign and distribute.

5. You are the former attorney general under whose reign the breakin plan was concocted. You have said nothing about this to anyone not in the conspiracy, including your wife, who has a history of talking to reporters. One evening you get a call from a se cret serviceman staffing your home informing you that your wife is on the phone with a reporter talking about Watergate. WHat should you do?

a) Nothing. She doesn't know about your involvement, and consequently cannot provide dangerous information.
b) Tell the secret serviceman to interrupt the call by telling her that her epidermis is showing.
c) Tell the secret serviceman to pull the phone cord out of the wall. When you get home, have your wife sedated and held incommunicado against her will.

Now check your score! Give yourself one point for every a) answer, two for every b) answer, and 3 for every C answer.

SCORE:

1-5 points: You need another career. You are far too sensible to be a Nixon Goon. 6-10 points: Although you have a little more common sense than is required, with some intensive training you might make an excellent Nixon Goon. 11-14 points: You are paranoid, sloppy, and careless, and approach real life as if it were a badly written spy novel of which you are the hero. This is the career for you! 15 points: You already ARE a Nixon Goon.

That's right, folks, "C" is the answer that, in each case, actually happened. Truth. Fiction. Go figure.

Our country has always been run by morons,

The Plaid Adder

Wanna see last week's critique? Go here.

Back to the Adder's Lair