By The Plaid Adder

Comments: plaidder@mindspring.com

Here are you the people's thoughts on George Lucas's latest search for more money. Before we get to the specific breakdown, let me comment on some general trends:

• Whether or not we agree that he's a racial stereotype, most of us clearly wish that the world's peskiest Gungan had been even more banished than he was. Jar Jar was nominated at least once for almost every negative honor, including "biggest design flaw." Hatred of Jar Jar varied in intensity, ranging from KtAC who claims he didn't bother her at all to Siubhan, who responded to just about every "most irritating" or "worst" category with a gleeful cry of "JAR JAR!!!"
• The fashion category was, for the most part, inconclusive; unlike in the Trek universe, where most of the matter in the badness galaxy tends to coalesce around particularly dense nuclei (you know who I'm talkin' about), here fashion crime seems to be sort of a free-floating nebula.
• Many of us seem to have difficulty differentiating between actor and character, at least when it comes to fantasizing about nakedness, dancing boys, and anatomically correct action figures. But who says that's a problem.
• If George thought he could get two movies outta one plot and not expect any of us to notice, he's got another think coming.

MOST IRRITATING PREQUEL-TRILOGY CONTINUITY PROBLEM

First Place: C3PO, The Early Years.

Reduced to an ignominious pile of wiring in the actual film, C3PO comes into his own here; 60% of the voters pegged his history with Anikin as the corner Lucas will most regret having written himself into. So C3PO was actually built by Darth Vader...and this explains his behavior in A New Hope how? Is it really credible that a protocol droid would ever forget to greet his former creator--even if he has become a Sithlord--with a polite, "Good morning, Master Anikin! May I say how lustrous your head covering is looking this morning?" It is possible, as Zil's boyfriend suggested, that they plan to explain this by wiping C3PO's memory banks at some point; but if that's the plan, why go to all the trouble of putting him in all the episodes?

Second Place: Tie between the Anakin/Amidala "romance" and the introduction of those pesky midichlorians.

Amidala may, herself, be jailbait; but Anikin is way on the yonder side of puberty, and it shows. I would think it would be weird to start having romantic yearnings for someone you used to babysit, and at least one of our voters agrees. And one of us cherishes a forlorn hope that this ridiculous "the force as microorganism" crap will turn out to have been a typo.

MOST IRRITATING INTERNAL CONTINUITY PROBLEM

First Place: The failure of the Jedi Council's Sith-detection system.

I think that technically, this is actually a trilogy/PM continuity problem: in other words, it's only because it was established in the trilogy that Jedi can sense evil that it bothers 50% of our respondents to see the entire Jedi Council party down with a Sith and not realize it. Perhaps it's not the evil they sense so much as the smell of Darth's mask polish?

Second place: We have a three-way tie: Jennifer was bothered by the timing of the attack on Naboo, which seemed to be designed for objects other than simply taking over the planet; Laura shares my skepticism of the idea that Amidala could have been "elected" queen at the tender age of fourteen (as Victoria would have said, "We don't need no stinkin' electoral mandate") and I think it was Siubhan who was vexed that Qui-Gon expired before he could gasp out, "Kiss me, Obi-Wan! Kiss me for the last time! Kiss me as if the Germans were about to march into Paris and I were about to get on a train for Casablanca! Kiss me, you Padawan fool!" Or words to that effect.

MOST GRATUITOUS DISPLAY OF FX

First Place Tie: Journey Through the Core and The Interminable Pod Race

The underwater fish fest would have won out if the pod race hadn't made KtAC hurl. Basically, this film had so many gratuities it was hard for folks to choose. Other nominees included the Gunga/Droid battle (you knew there were guys creaming over this in the CGI department, but we found it a little tedious; after all, there's no one to root for); the exterior shots of Coruscant, City Of The Many Misspellings; and that final celebration scene with that light globe from Sharper Image garners the first of the many dubious honors it will be receiving.

CLEVEREST HOMAGE TO THE FIRST TRILOGY

First Place: R2D2 saving the Naboo ship

I guess one woman's clever homage is another's shameless ripoff. I thought "I've got a bad feeling about this" was an intentional wink to the fans rather than a sign that Lucas only has about 10 lines of dialogue in him and has to keep reshuffling them. But then, that was at the very beginning of the movie. 50% of you disagree with me, and nominated R2D2's rescue of the Naboo ship. OK, fine...but was it really necessary for Artoo to have an audience with Amidala afterwards? "It should be commended. What is its number?" I'd have given anything for R2D2 to suddenly pipe up with Vader's voice: "666--THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST!"

Second place is another three-way split: clever scoring of the Emperor's theme for Palatine, the representation of the beginning of R2D2 and C3PO's beautiful friendship, and "I've got a bad feeling about this."

MOST SHAMELESS RIPOFF OF THE FIRST TRILOGY

First place: Everything.

Well, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to sell us the same movie twice. Actually, you can sell us the same movie twice, but we'll complain about it afterwards. I'm not gonna go through it all here; suffice it to say that in Lucas's playbook I think there must be a page that says, "No matter where you are or what you're doin', you gotta have 'em blow up the Death Star."

Second place: four-way tie. Three pieces of purloined dialogue: "I have a bad feeling about this," Obi-Wan's "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" and Lucas swiping C3PO's tagline ("How rude!") for Jar Jar. (Note to Jar Jar: there's a reason everyone's rude to you.) And that final celebration scene rears its ugly head once more.

BIGGEST CASTING MISTAKE

First Place: Samuel "Laugh If You Want, I'm Gettin' Paid" Jackson

Someone's gotta do a parody in which Mace Windu is suddenly possessed by the spirit of Jackson's character from Pulp Fiction. Until that day comes, 30% of you are content with pointing out that it seems a little wasteful to cast one of America's more versatile and compelling actors in a part that could have been played just as compellingly by a whomp rat.

Second Place: Nick, Zil's boyfriend, was really, really bothered by Jake Lloyd as Anikin Skywalker; he stands alone, but his vehemence was such that it deserves to be recognized. Laura complained about the Asian stereotyping involved in the portrayal of the Trade Federation, and those lovable Gungans return again, with Ahmed Best (Jar Jar) and Brian Blessed (Boss Nass) each coming in for one vote.

MOST SUPERFLUOUS SPEAKING CHARACTER

First Place: Mace Windu, by a landslide.

Their Jedi magic has not worked on us. I can see Lucas standing there waving his hand: "Mace Windu is a real character. Samuel Jackson is adding tone and quality to my acting ensemble. This is not an all-white universe." Uh huh. Your steenking Republic credits are no good here, my friend.

Second Place: Valorem's aide puts in an appearance, flanked by the omnipresent Gunga twins, Jar Jar and Boss Nass.

LEAST CONVINCING ALIEN

To clarify, what I meant by this was, "alien who is most clearly not a living creature so much as a pile of latex/cgi/mylar." Perhaps because of the ambiguity the category was somewhat inconclusive. 30% agreed with me that whenever Boss Nass appeared, we expected Kirk and the gang to beam down any minute and show these gentle primitive people that Nass wasn't their leader at all, but a crude automated device left behind by their technologically superior ancestors. A further 30% felt that the pod announcer was the fakest-looking two-headed creature since Zaphod Beeblebrox. The remaining 30% were split: Anikin's little Rodian buddy, Jabba the Hutt, and JAR JAR!!!!

BEST NEW CHARACTER

First Prize: Amidala.

She may be only a fourteen year old in a series of dreadful fright wigs, but in this category at least she's kicking ass and taking names, running away with 60% of the vote. Qui-Gon, Darth Maul and Watto fight it out for the remaining 40%.

BEST DEVELOPMENT OF A TRILOGY CHARACTER

First place: Obi-Wan "Piss-Poor Excuse for a Jedi" Kenobi.

Personally, I think there's more character development for Obi-Wan in the Sith Academy Series, but 50% of you felt that if you had to pick something (and one or two of you abstained on the principle that there was no character development in this movie) it would be Obi-Wan, since at the very least we learn that Obi-Wan used to have a rat-tail and a hot bod.

Others, in desperation, nominated Palpatine, R2D2, and Amidala, who I don't think actually appears in the trilogy.

CHARACTER YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF IN II & III

First Place: Tie between Mace Windu and Obi-Wan.

A lot of people doubled their votes, which is how this category ended up so close. Three of you felt that your anger might be mollified if Samuel Jackson is actually given something to do in II & III; three of you either hope for more development on Obi-Wan or just hope that maybe you'll get to see Obi's Jedi robes blown off in a Tatooine sandstorm. Two of you would also like to see more of Amidala (in many senses of the term), and Siubhan is hoping that Lucas will bring back Darth Maul's evil twin, Darth Maim.

BEST DEATH SCENE

Well, as I come to think of it there were really only two to speak of, and Darth Maul's bisection beats out "Kiss me, Obi-Wan!" by one vote.

CHARACTER YOU MOST WISH HAD HAD A DEATH SCENE

I expected Jar Jar to walk away with this, but Laura and KtAC hosed me by nominating the pod race announcer. So Jar Jar Binks and the two-headed guy at the races are sharing first place. Free toaster to whoever comes up for the best death scene that involves both of them.

One respondent wants to see Boss Nass join Jar Jar in hell, and Nick, Zil's boyfriend, regrets that Lucas passed up the opportunity to "splatter Sebulba's corpse all over the landscape."

COOLEST ALIEN CITY

First place: Theed, the capital of Naboo.

We like neo-classical, is the story on that, I think. Two people voted for Coruscant, and although like most of us Laura hates the Gungans she likes their architecture, at least when it's underwater.

SHIP YOU MOST WANT TO TAKE FOR A TEST DRIVE

First Place: Tie between the Sith Infiltrator and the sting-ray underwater ship that Boss Nass inexplicably donates to Qui-Gon. (Did the guy ever give it back? Is it still bobbing in along the docks in the Theed River District? Has it already been stripped for parts?)

Second place: Anikin's pod, Naboo fighters, Darth Maul's hog.

SHIP YOU DON'T BELIEVE WOULD BE SPACEWORTHY

First Place: Anikin's pod, the S.S. Scrapmetal.

Second place: tie between Naboo fighters, Amidala's "tailfin of a '57 buick" ship, and the droid control ship (more of which later).

BIGGEST DESIGN FLAW

First Place: The droid control ship.

Having all your battledroids controlled from one central location is stupid enough. Making the reactor core of that ship something a nine-year-old can find accidentally by blundering around in the hangar is a boner worthy of Jar Jar.

Second Place: Tie between Amidala's ship, the failure to secure droids to the exterior of the spaceship during battle, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's highly unconvincing computer-animated leap into the docking bay, and JAR JAR!!!

MOST TRANSPARENT EXCUSE TO INTRODUCE AN ACTION FIGURE

First Place: Tie between Mosquito With A Gut (Watto) and the irrepressible Jar Jar.

Second place: the extra Pod Racers, Darth "at last, I will reveal myself to the Jedi, and may the Force make me anatomically correct" Maul, and Mace "Check, Please" Windu.

TOY YOU MOST WANT TO HAVE

First Place: Anatomically correct Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan set.

Well, when I make up these categories I should remember who I'm dealing with.

Second Place:

Darth Maul, Darth Maul's light staff, Darth Maul's bike, Darth Maul's spikes, Darth Maul's stinky unwashed boxer shorts...where was I? Oh yes, there were also votes for a prop lightsaber and a Sith Probe Droid (which has nothing to do with Darth Maul, get your mind out of the gutter).

FAVORITE QUEEN AMIDALA OUTFIT

There was a tie between her traveling costume (black, feathers, etc.) and her battle gear; clearly we prefer our heroines comfy. Her outfit as Padme was also commented upon favorably, and although the geisha look did not amuse most voters a couple of you liked the Kabuki lipstick.

BEST DRESSED ALIEN CULTURE

First Place: The Naboo, the Bajorans of this universe, crush the competition.

Considering the competition it wasn't that difficult; obviously Lucas had the design team go nuts on the Naboo, while the Gungans and Tatooinians appear to have been clothed out of the remainder bin. However, Jedi garb and slave garb each garnered one vote. It's boring, but it's comfortable.

WORST DRESSED ALIEN CULTURE

First Place: They're ugly, and their mothers dress them funny...yes, you guessed it, sweeping this cateogry are the fabulous GUNGA! Here to accept on behalf of this race of lovable lunkheads is Jar Jar Binks...

[sound of Darth Maul leaping onto the stage, propelling Jar Jar into the air, and julienning him in mid-air so that he falls to earth as a thousand strips of beef jerky]

Ah well. Two of you declined to share your comrades' enthusiasm for Tatooine Desert Drab. And one of you would really prefer it if Lucas either gave Jabba a pair of shorts, or decided to just "flash his wang and be done with it."

BEST LOOKING IN JEDI GARB

Obi-Wan beats Qui-Gon by one, with Anikin scraping into third.

MOST OVERWHELMED BY COSTUME/MAKEUP

Darth Maul and Amidala split this one down the middle. Well, Darth would know about splitting things down the middle, wouldn't he.

ALTERNATIVE LOOK YOU'D MOST LIKE TO SEE ON DARTH MAUL

Voting in this category was spread out evenly:

Dancing boy outfit 1

Black leather 1

Vader sans mask 1

Body piercing 1

French maid 1

Biker dude 1

MOST UNFORTUNATE COSMETIC DECISION

First Place: Tie between Amidala's geisha girl look and C3PO. Please, Threepio, we don't need to see what you're made of. Second place shared by Palpatine's hair and the spittle that flows so bountifully from Boss Nass's quivering jowls.

HAIRDO THAT NEEDS TO JOIN TROI'S BRIOCHE AND JANEWAY'S BUN IN THE COIFFURE HALL OF SHAME

First Place: Palpatine's "Perfect Politician Hair."

Evidently only two of you were as horrified by Queen "Please Tell Me You're Not Gonna Rule In That" Amidala's hair sculptures.

CHARACTER YOU MOST WANT TO SEE NAKED

First Place: Amidala.

No, Amidala is not 18 yet, but Natalie Portman is, so go nuts. Obi-Wan slides into second place. One vote for Darth "Does That Tattoo Go All The Way Down" Maul, and Nick, Zil's boyfriend, somehow found the time during this movie to drool over one of Amidala's "Italian-looking" handmaidens. I mean, sure, this movie is slow, but...

CHARACTER YOU HOPE NOBODY EVER HAS TO SEE NAKED

First Place: JAR JAR!!!

The tongue is enough; we don't need to be looking at any of his other appendages. Second place is divvied up between Jabba "I Could Have Died Happy Without Seeing That" Hutt, that two-headed pod race announcer (hell hath no fury like a Laura vexed) and Boss "Please, I Don't Want To Know Where All That Drool Is Coming From" Nass.

DO YOU THINK THIS FILM WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH IMPROVED IF, INSTEAD OF QUI-GON AND OBI-WAN, IT HAD BEEN MULDER AND SCULLY?

Opinion runs strongly against, for many reasons; people felt that Scully and Mulder would spend "too much time trying to figure things out and not enough time kicking ass," that Mulder and Scully would have had to get into a knock-down drag-out about the midichlorians, that Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon will ultimately produce better fanfic, or that Mulder would have gotten his ass whupped the first time he mouthed off to the Jedi Council. ("Question my judgment, will you, young hothead? Feel the searing kiss of my lightsaber you will!")

Two of you, however, saw the possibilities in this crossover, especially if you really think about what Scully could do with a lightsaber. (Get your minds out of the gutter.)

And there we have it,

The Plaid Adder