Every now and then I get mail from someone who has just discovered the etiquette guide, and I am always pleased to have feedback. (Got some? Send it here. Thanks.) However, it was a first when I got mail from a guy named Scott in Seattle asking me if I had ever thought about doing a musical based on the etiquette guide. Well, I hadn't. However, my brain is a dangerous place, and once the seed was planted it wasn't long before it burst into rank flower. I only got one set of song lyrics written up, based on Chapter 4: The Bisexual Coming-Out. Which is maybe just as well, cause I never heard back from Scott. Here they are; enjoy.
[Cast: Mike (bisexual man), Carol (bisexual woman), Ted (heterosexual man), Alice (heterosexual woman), and Plaidder, which is a speaking part. Mike and Alice are paired up stage left; Carol and Ted are stage right. Spoken intro:]
MIKE: Sweetie, I have something to tell you.
ALICE: What is it honey?
MIKE: I'm bisexual.
ALICE: (sounding very unhappy about this) Really.
[lights on Carol and Ted]
TED: Say what?
CAROL: I'm bisexual.
TED: (pruriently intrigued) Really.
PLAIDDER: These responses seem innocuous enough. But once we get into what Alice and Ted are really thinking, things start to get much uglier. Watch if you don't believe me.
[Vampy music starts. MIKE and ALICE start walking upstage as ALICE and TED watch them.]
MIKE: That's right, Alice. I'm leading a challenging double life. Mild mannered heterosexual by day...[he rips open his button-down Oxford shirt to reveal a bodyhugging lycra muscle shirt] LOVE GOD OF THE GAY UNDERWORLD BY NIGHT!
[while MIKE and several admirers of both sexes begin gyrating under the strobe lights, we see that CAROL is now dressed like Sharon Stone's character from Basic Instinct]
CAROL: That's right, big boy. You've won the lottery. Here you thought I was just an ordinary girl, and now it turns out I'm the answer to all your wet dreams. [Another woman appears, and they begin putting on a 2-girl show for TED while the narrator speaks]
PLAIDDER: This is really etymology's fault. A bi-cycle has two wheels, right? Something bi-lateral has two sides, right? A pair of bi-noculars has two...noculars, right? So a bi-sexual must have two sexual partners, right? And this is how rumors get started.
[song begins]
MIKE: Isabella and Rita, Octavio and Glen,
Paulina, Raoul, Esmerelda and Ken,
So many fine women--such ravishing men--
How *can* a bisexual choose?
CAROL: Sex with men merely whets my depraved appetite--
I'll be cruising the dyke bars in leather tonight.
Hey, I'll take you along if you play your cards right--
Stick around, lover boy, you can't lose.
MIKE: I want two at a time,
CAROL: I want your chick--plus mine!
MIKE AND CAROL:
I want twice what you've got,
plus a cherry on top!
One may be just enough for you hetero bores--
I want more, I want more, I want more!
MIKE: Do not speak of commitment! It just cannot be!
No poor one-gendered body can satisfy me!
I'll be cheating on you soon as I get the chance--
Cause I'll do anything in a skirt--or in pants!
CAROL: I'm dating this woman, she's really hot stuff,
But a woman, you know, she's just never enough.
I mean, what can we do? It's not like we have dicks!
If you're free Friday night, can we come by at six?
MIKE: I want two at a time,
CAROL: I want your chick, plus mine!
MIKE AND CAROL:
I want twice what you've got,
Plus a cherry on top!
CAROL: I'm an oversexed tramp--
MIKE: A philandering whore!
MIKE AND CAROL:
I want more, I want more, I want more!
[ALICE is now weeping; TED is drooling. PLAIDDER comes up and takes them both aside]
PLAIDDER: [speaking]
See, I just don't get where you come up with this stuff.
Let me try to explain the thing clearly enough. [To ALICE]
Let's say you like brunets, but you also like blonds.
Well, a poor girl can't have *everything* that she wants;
So you date a blond now, a brunet the next time.
You don't date *both at once*--unless you're just that kind.
MIKE AND CAROL:
And it is even thus
When you're dealing with us--
Some are playing the field,
Some are mo-no-ga-mous.
[NARRATOR leaves ALICE to ponder this and addresses TED]
And my friend over here--it just isn't that way, boy.
You'll be much better off if you stop reading *Playboy.*
Two-girl sex *is* hot, but see here's where you blew it--
We don't want to be drooled by you while we do it.
If you make that assumption, you're gonna get smacked.
And NOT IN A GOOD WAY. Let's get clear on this fact:
MIKE, CAROL, NARRATOR:
See, it isn't both/and, folks, it's just either/or...
Either/or, either/or, either/or.
[THE END]
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