A Very Special The Practice Rant by The Plaid Adder
Comments:plaidder@mindspring.com
After Joan sent me the tape in which we finally find out that George Vogelman is in fact a transvestite serial killer, I was inspired to pen this screed:
ELLENOR: Susan Robbin? Lindsay? That was you? [GEORGE smiles evilly.] You pathetic son of a bitch! You were bullshitting me that entire time? You *better* kill me, you asshole, because otherwise you're leaving this apartment as a bucket of beef jerky.
GEORGE: [menacingly] Don't make me angry, Ellenor.
ELLENOR: Or else what? You're obviously going to kill me anyway--
GEORGE: Do you know how many times you've killed me?
ELLENOR: What is that supposed to mean? I guess keeping your sorry ass out of jail and being hte only human being willing to associate with you isn't enoug for you? You wanted me to sleep with you too?
GEORGE: Well...I guess that is my only credible motivation...
ELLENOR: Well, fuck you very much, pal. What are you coming after *me* for? Who's going to get you off *this* murder rap if I'm dead?
GEORGE: Well...uh...Lindsay's kind of getting more of a spine these days...
ELLENOR: Lindsay my ass! She's going to come after you with a woodchipper, that's what she's gonna do. And how fucking *stupid* is it to kill me and leave me for *Helen* to find? She's the fucking assistant D.A.!
GEORGE: But it didn't seem like you got along that well, and...
ELLENOR: Maybe, but she and *Lindsay* are practically married, and if she finds me dead here the day after you help me move in she's gonna know it was you, and she's gonna know it was you who attacked Lindsay, and she's gonna get the venue changed to Texas just so she can fly down to Houston and watch them fry you.
GEORGE: I never thought of that...
ELLENOR: It's pretty dumb to expose yourself like this just so you can do your little *homage* to the shower scene from *Psycho,* George.
GEORGE: [whining] But I thought it was really artistic!
ELLENOR: And what is *with* the nun suit, anyway? First of all, you look *horrendous* in navy blue--
GEORGE: [crying] Stop yelling at me! [he dissolves in a puddle of tears and drops the knife. ELLENOR looks at him with pity.]
ELLENOR: Aw, come on, George. It's not so bad. [GEORGE continues crying.] Tell you what, George. Why don't you go kill *Bobby?*
GEORGE: [brightening up] Yeah! That's the ticket! 'Cause *he* won't sleep with me either!
ELLENOR: [dusting him off and handing him his knife] That's the spirit. Go on out and kill Bobby, and then give me a call. Here's my card.
GEORGE: Thanks, Ellenor. You're the best!
OK, so that's not exactly credible either. But it's only *marginally* more ridiculous than what they actually did.
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