For my sins, I had to listen to many hours' worth of Day 1 of the SemenGate hearings. For those of you without the patience or the stamina to sit through the actual testimony, here's a handy summary.
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HYDE: The Chair calls this meeting to order, and rants for a while about how these proceedings really are terribly terribly important even though we all know the Congress isn't going to impeach Clinton because we don't have the votes.
CONYERS: Motion to give Abbe Lowell 90 minutes instead of 30 minutes of cross-examination time, because we believe that if we just needle Starr for long enough he will eventually crack and the big green tentacled alien we know is inside that human suit will eventually burst forth in full view of the American people.
HYDE: The Chair denies your motion even though I have no idea what you're talking about because you're a Democrat so whatever it is it must be stupid. The chair calls Kenneth Starr.
STARR: Thank you. Please sit and look at me with rapt attention while I recount the entire history of this multi-year investigation while including enough detail and making the most out of what I did find so that by the time I have reached the end of my three-hour soporific lecture nobody will remember a damn thing I said or the fact that two out of the four investigations my office undertook turned up nothing at all and neither would any of the other ones if Linda Tripp hadn't spent several months entrapping Monica Lewinsky.
LOWELL: Isn't it true, Mr. Starr, that while you were subpoenaing everyone and their dog for the past four years your office did many bad things?
STARR: My office may or may not have done bad things, I would have to search my recollection. But if we did do bad things, it was because we were investigating very serious federal crimes.
LOWELL: Isn't it true that you made Monica Lewinsky cry?
STARR: No it is not. Tears may have been produced simultaneous to our agents' interrogation of her, but our referral shows that there could not have been a causal connection.
LOWELL: Isn't it true that on page 3403 of this huge honking pile of documents I've got sitting on my desk you make a statement that is inconsistent with what you say on page 207?
STARR: That depends on what you think the meaning of the word "is" is.
HYDE: The gentleman's time has expired, but even though I made a big production out of denying the motion to allow you extra time I will just let you keep going with this until you get tired of it.
LOWELL: Isn't it true, Mr. Starr, that a grown man like you ought to be embarrassed to be writing up governmental reports about cigars and fellatio?
STARR: That information all went to the question of perjury and thus was trenchantly germane to the investigation. We did not include any of those details simply for the sake of titillation.
LOWELL: I remind the witness that he is under oath.
STARR: OK, maybe the part about the cigar.
HYDE: We will now take questions from the floor, even the Democrats, even though I'm really pissed off at a bunch of them for trying to interrupt me all the time.
DEMOCRAT: You are a really mean nasty man who has wasted a lot of time and money prosecuting a personal vendetta. By the way, where were you on the night of November 16, 1997?
STARR: Why are you asking me this question?
DEMOCRAT: We're not gonna tell you. Nyah nyah nyah.
STARR: I will have to search my recollection.
REPUBLICAN: In your referral you state that "all the objections the Democrats have made to my procedures are total bullshit." Would you care to explain to the American people why this is true?
STARR: Yes. It is true because I look like a very nice man, speak in modulated tones, and have put together a professional report relying on professional prosecutors who because they also look like very nice men and speak in modulated tones and have big shiny law degrees could never do anything wrong.
HYDE: Thank you. We will now repeat this entire process many many times until far into the evening.
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Yee ha,
The Plaid Adder
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