The Plaid Adder
Comments:plaidder@mindspring.com
SECOND ANNUAL GEORGE W. BUSH MEMORIAL HAIL TO THE THIEF AWARD: I tell you once, I tell you twice, you better wise up, Michael Weiss. Unless he bought the entire ISO like he bought the US Nationals panel of judges, he'd better get his ass in gear before he hits the Olympic arena. His short program, which ABC condescended to actually broadcast this time, was all right, but not good enough to put him ahead of most of the other top skaters; his free skate was nothing but lame. So he landed an impromptu quad. So what. Even when he wasn't failing to land his triple jumps he was stiff, half-assed, and apparently desperately uncomfortable with his choice of music. I can certainly understand why; I can't think of any skater whose personality is less suited to Puccini than Michael Weiss, unless it's Timothy Goebel. What I cannot understand is why, after the judges dutifully punished him for his technical screwups, they then gave him 5.8s and 5.9s for presentation. No, I take it back, I do understand it: they were treating the presentation mark the way some teachers treat the class participation grade, using it to reward their favorite even though his actual performance didn't deserve it. Liza was almost as angry with the judges for sleazing Weiss onto the Olympic team as she was with the Supreme Court for sleazing Dubya into the White House, and that's saying summat. Especially since it meant that Matt Savoie, who rightfully trounced Weiss at the nationals last year and whose artistry certainly beat the pants off Weiss's in this year's free skate, does not make the Olympic team.
ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID AWARD: To Angela Nicodinov, who once again *almost* made it onto the podium. Here, our personal disappointment at seeing Angela get shafted once again is not supported by a sense of outrage and injustice; she had been going gangbusters in the first half of the program, and then once she fell she just lost heart and started doubling all her triples. Cohen, Hughes, and Kwan all skated better than she did, and so technically speaking they deserve the 3 spots on the Olympic team. But we've been rooting for Nicodinov for a long time now, and we really think she's more interesting to watch than, say, Sarah Hughes, and she obviously works really hard and is really dedicated to the sport, not to mention the fact that her beloved coach died in the middle of the Grand Prix competition (which the ABC commentators never fail to mention). She's now being coached by Frank Carroll, the coach Kwan fired last year. Maybe after this year Kwan will go pro and Angela can finally get herself a bronze. It's a shame she was coming up at a time when there were so many other top-drawer American women skaters out there. If it had been just her and Debi Thomas, say, it would have been a totally different story.
SUCKS TO BE YOU AWARD: To the Hartzells, who got royally screwed not by the judges, but by fate. Having gone out onto the ice for their warmup, they then had to pull out of the competition at, literally, the last possible minute, because the boy Hartzell's groin injury was just acting up too much and they didn't trust themselves to skate on it (for singles skaters, falling hurts; for pairs skaters it can and does lead to serious cranial trauma). It was very sad, because of course by not competing they were giving up their chance to go to the Olympics. Watching them take their bows and go off the ice was excruciating because they were both trying to do the gracious smile thing but they were both obviously crying. Then, to make matters worse, as soon as they got off the ice--still crying--they were waylaid by Peter Carruthers, who's saying, "Geez, having to pull out at the last minute like that and give up your Olympic dreams--can you tell us how much that sucks for you?" It sucks a lot, Pete! SHUT UP!
SECOND ANNUAL FRANK SINATRA MEMORIAL I DID IT MY WAY AWARD: To Michelle Kwan, who shocked many of her critics--including me--by pulling out a performance worthy of her reputation and abilities, despite not having a coach and having switched choreographers. I guess she doesn't need no steenking Frank Carroll. Ah well. More for Angela.
She also earned this award by being the only skater who wore boots during her "little informal chat" interview for ABC Sports. For some reason, the producers built this set that looks like a barn painted to be the American flag and had all the skaters sit in it and give little spiels about themselves. They put all of them in the same general uniform: a white top and blue jeans. They also all had bare feet. I don't know exactly whose idea that was, but either Michelle Kwan is sensitive about her feet or she just decided she wasn't going to go along with this particular piece of bullshit, because she was the only one wearing shoes.
TARA LIPINSKI FOR GOD'S SAKE EAT SOMETHING AWARD: To Sasha Cohen, who is older than Sarah Hughes but looks like she's still about 12. You could see Michelle Kwan looking at her during the little post-competition interview thinking, "You look just like that undernourished jumping-bean pipsqueak who hosed me at Nagano." And she does, only she looks a lot meaner. I really hope she starts filling out a little soon, because right now she disturbs me the same way looking at, say, Kerri Strug's body disturbs me. Most kids growing up in a middle-class American family today don't turn out that tiny, and I don't know what it is they do to these women athletes, but I wish they wouldn't.
And last but by no means least:
SECOND ANNUAL MOST IN NEED OF A LONG VACATION AWARD: To Dick "The Lech" Button, who should be permanently retired before he embarrasses himself, ABC Sports, and figure skating in general any more than he already does. He hit a new low point at the ladies' competition by openly drooling over "all these delicious young things" who were about to skate. EW! EW EW EW EW EW!! Sasha, Sarah, and Jenny are all jailbait, Dick! And you're in the Viagra Zone! And the eating metaphor--TMI! TMI! TM fucking I! For God's sake restrain yourself, have you no shame?
He also gets extra hypocrisy points for being so fulsome in his praise of Angela Nicodinov after having treated her like crap for the past several years. I well remember him saying that she was really boring and made you want to "go out to the kitchen and see what's in the refrigerator" while she was skating. Now, all of a sudden, he's gushing about how lovely her expression is. While not going as far as Liza, who blames Angela's problems with mental concentration and confidence on Dick's cattiness of past years, I still find it tough to take. Bootlicker! Spineless wuss! Fellow-traveler!
In fact, I've decided to run a short poll:
Which ladies' single skater do you most want to see kick Dick Button's ass? While wearing her skates? Skater need not be American, but she has to have been either commented on, drooled over, or annoyed by Dick Button at some point during her career.
There are so many tempting choices--I bet Kwan could really do a number on him, and althought Sasha Cohen is but little she looks like she's pretty fierce--but I think my money would have to be on Butyrskaya. She looks like she not only is big enough and strong enough to take him, but would really know how to fight dirty. Unless--and this you could sell tickets to on pay per view--we could convince Peggy Fleming to take him on. She seems really sweet, but she's been working with him for years, her rage and hatred stats must be pretty high right now.
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