OK, so am I the only loser who watched *Miss America* this weekend? Very well then, I am the only loser who watched *Miss America* this weekend. Y'all are still going to be inflicted with my
MISS AMERICA 1997 HALL OF SHAME AWARDS!!!
MOST GRATUITOUS ABUSE OF TECHNOLOGY: This goes to ABC for the sequence in which all 50 contestants' head shots were "morphed," one after another, into each other. The effect was indescribably grotesque and bizarre. On the one hand, the faces and hairdos led to frighteningly monstrous distortions during the morphs. On the other, as my partner pointed out, "the smile never changes."
BEST REASON TO BE GLAD VAUDEVILLE IS DEAD: to the semifinalist whose state escapes me but who performed a "gymnastics dance" to the music of *Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves* as her talent entry. She twirled a red streamer on a stick, rolled a ball along her arms, jumped through a hoop a couple of times and did some backbends, all while wearing a leather jerkin and a little Robin Hood hat. If it were the gong show, she'd have been cut off as soon as the music started.
CRASH AND BURN AWARD: to Miss North Carolina for her interview faux pas. When asked "how did your experience as a postal clerk enrich you?" she told a spectacularly unfunny anecdote about how people mail "the most amazing things," including in one case the ashes of a departed relative. Upon learning what was in the package, Miss NC said, "I just about...well, died." A thunderous silence fell instead of the expected ripple of laughter. Somewhere, in the distance, a dog barked. Miss Illinois began to indulge in dreams of glory.
HEINOUS FASHION CRIMES, EVENING WEAR: to EVERYONE. Man, there was not one good-lookin' dress amongst the lot of them. Cries of "what is that on the bodice, a bat?" and "penalty 50 yards, excessive rhinestones" were frequently heard, along with "it looks like the pod from *Aliens*" and "what were you THINKING?"
HEINOUS FASHION CRIMES, SWIMWEAR: the two-piece in general was not working well for these women, but BIG points have to go to Miss Arizona's magenta number. Nobody looks good in this color, missy, not even twig-thin surgically enhanced blonde beach babes like you.
TRUE COLORS AWARD: To Miss Hawaii, for showing what this pageant is really all about. During her preliminary "gruelling 12-minute interview," which is part of the pre-pageant judging on which the initial rankings are based, she was asked what she thought of the fact that Hawaii had legalized same-sex marriage. Her response: "I think it's...incredibly sad." And she made the semi-finals. So explain to me again how pageants are *really* feminist?
HONORABLE MENTION TRUE COLORS AWARD: to the "reflections" video montage, where clips of the pageant hopefuls practicing were spliced together under a song written for the occasion which appeared to be one long celebration of feminine insecurities ("am I smiling too much?/ Am I smiling enough?" and much more of the same).
KEEP THE DAY JOB AWARD: To Miss Mississippi, whose rendering of "Una voce poco fa" from *The Barber of Seville* was a refreshing choice, but who does not have an operatic voice and appears to have transposed it down a couple octaves.
I can't believe I watched the whole thing,
The Plaid Adder
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