TO: FBI Director Louis Freeh
FROM: Assistant Director Kirsch
RE: These two nuts I'm stuck supervising
Sir,
With all due respect, I feel I must register my objections to the recent change in management structures that has resulted in agents F. Mulder and D. Scully reporting directly to me. I do indeed appreciate your generosity in assigning more manpower to Domestic Terrorism, especially since as the planting season approaches we can expect to see more orders placed for ammonium nitrate and other fertilizers. However, I question the wisdom of transferring *these particular* operatives to my department, for the following reasons:
1) Agents Mulder and Scully have already demonstrated a very strong shared tendency to attribute acts of violence that we consider domestic terrorism to other causes. For instance, whereas our intelligence informed us that the bombing of the federal building in Dallas this August was the work of a domestic militia group, agents Mulder and Scully persist in attributing it to the machinations of a group of alien overlords and their human bondslaves.
2) Related to #1, agents Mulder and Scully are experiencing some difficulty in integrating with the rest of the team. Group debriefings, for isntance, have become an unpleasant ordeal for everyone involved. Agent Tripp has tendered his resignation over this issue, citing his "refusal to spend another fucking second explaining to Agent Mulder why extraterrestrials could not have been responsible for the World Trade Center bombing."
3) Agents Mulder and Scully have, in general, an extremely low productivity quotient. For instance, in the past week, they investigated one farm in southern Idaho at a cost to the Bureau of $40,000.
4) Nothing on God's green earth appears to be capable of making either one of them follow orders or even complete an assignment satisfactorily.
5) I can only assume, from the vacant expression commonly seen in Agent Mulder's eyes, that either he is never listening to a word I say, or is habituated to the use of certain controlled substances that must necessarily adversely affect his performance in the line of duty.
Based on my experience with them, I question the Bureau's need to employ them at all. However, if it should prove impossible to fire them, I recommend a transfer, perhaps to the detail assigned to protect the impeachment hearings now in progress.
Respectfully Submitted,
Assistant Director Kirsch
FROM: J. Swett, representative of Local #205 (Federal custodial
employees)
TO: I.M. Snuzin, Director of Building Security
RE: Basement offices
Dear Mr. Snuzin,
As you know, my constitutents have asked several times for you to organize a meeting at which they might air some of their concerns regarding the offices in the basement of the FBI building. As you have been entirely unresponsive, I take this opportunity to notify you that as of February 15, 1999, we are presenting a formal complaint to the grievance committee regarding your failure to maintain a minimum level of security and safety in the basement offices, exposing my constituents to undue risk of injury or death and placing unreasonable burdens on them both emotionally and physically. The complaint details a number of instances in which your failure to discharge your duties has made it very difficult for my constitutents to discharge theirs, to wit:
1) On several occasions custodial staff have arrived at Special Agent F. Mulder's office only to discover that it has been ransacked and the contents of both desk and file cabinets liberally strewn about the room. As per the terms of our arbitrarion agreement with local #350 (clerical staff), custodial staff are not allowed to re-file documents or otherwise handle government paperwork. This effectively makes it impossible for custodial staff to perform their normal duties, and occasionally leads to more serious consequences. Ms. Inklater reports, for instance, that on one occasion when seh attempted to "straighten up" Agent F. Mulder's office, Agent Mulder confronted her, with unpleasant results. Ms. Inklater is in fact a resident alien, but her paperwork is fully updated and legitimate and she was most offended by Agent Mulder's hostile questions.
2) Many of my constituents also complain about the smell of cigarette smoke that clings to Agent Mulder's office. I remind you that the FBI Building is a smoke-free environment and that it is your responsibility to see to it that custodial or other employees are not exposed to the dangers of second-hand smoke.
3) Custodial employees working the night shift have often stumbled across suspicious-looking men in suits lurking in and around Agent Mulder's office. Many of these men appear to be armed. I would think this might be a matter of concern to you; in any case, it is certainly a matter of concern to my constitutents.
4) Agent Mulder's office also appears to be a fire hazard, as indicated by the conflagration of last June. Please either initiate procedures that will get it up to code or take more rigorous action to prevent arson.
5) My constituents wish it to be known that cleaning up after homicides is not part of their job description. If any more bodies turn up in Agent Mulder's office they will exercise their contractual right to strike pursuant to item #24 of last year's contract, section B, subheading "REGULATIONS CONCERNING THE MAINTENANCE OF THE OFFICE OF SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER."
If immediate action is not taken to tighten security on that floor, my constiutents will seek legal remedy.
Sincerely,
J. Swett
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