The Song Of The Lady Lauriel
The Plaid Adder
Comments: plaidder@mindspring.com
Perhaps in karmic revenge for having penned The Original Trojan Horse Virus Warning,
I was attacked by an actual Trojan Horse virus (called TROJ_MTX.A) which infected my computer and tried
to infect everyone I was emailing too. With the help of my many geek friends I was finally able to
free my computer from this horrible scourge. As tribute to them, I decided to fashion a song
in their honor after the manner of J.R.R. Tolkein's friggin' elves. Enjoy.
The dark horse rode from Mordor's wastes
Unto the gates of Adder's Lair
And pierced the wall, and through the breach
He slunk, and wrought much evil there.
His teeming brood did spawn and thrive
Amidst those bowers once so fair,
And forth unto her friends to ride
The Adder sent them unawares.
And when she spied the filthy host
Speed swift like plague across the lea,
"Woe! Woe!" she cried, in shame and grief.
"The dark horse works its will through me!
"Who shall repair this grievous harm,
"And cleanse my rank corrupted files,
"So that I shall do no more hurt,
"Nor wound my friends through its foul wiles?"
Forthwith she sought out stalwart friends,
Both prompt in aid and strong in might,
High-minded Joan and fierce Siubhan,
And fearsome Glaurung, dragon bright.
No weapon pierced the horse's hide,
Nor turned it from its purpose fell.
"This course alone is left," saith Joan:
"Seek out the lady Lauriel."
The Adder blanched to hear this doom,
Though know its sooth she did full well,
For many a flaming firewall
Did guard the lady Lauriel.
But forth she rode on trusty steed
Through fire and mist, o'er down and dell;
And came within the hemlock wood
Where dwelt the lady Lauriel.
Fairer than Elbereth was she,
Wiser than Galadriel's her words,
And many sought her counsel out,
When sore beset by virus hordes.
Unto her then the Adder came,
With heart distressed and countenance grave,
And cried, "O lady Lauriel!
To me, to me! O hear and save!"
Forth rode the lady Lauriel
Until to Windowsland they came,
And there she led the Adder through
The labyrinth which DOS they name.
Amongst its winding, treacherous toils
The backup files slept in their lair;
Locked deep within the magic CABS,
Still uncorrputed, bright, and fair.
For strong enchantments laid on them
Had kept them save from evil's lure
And from those gleaming depths did they
Extract new files clear and pure.
Back through the mines of DOS
They rode, Adder and Lauriel,
Shouting, "The sword of DOS
Gainst EXE and DLL!"
The dark horse charged with murderous hooves,
And rallied all his spawn to fight;
But naught availed his fiendish rage--
He turned at last and sped in fright.
The lady spurred her noble steed
Through bog and fen, the foe to quell,
While Adder cried, "Pursue, pursue!
"On, on, the lady Lauriel!"
And so at last the beast was slain,
That brought its victims such despair,
And all was well and right again
Within the bounds of Adder's Lair.
Go forth, my song, on wings of light
And of this mighty battle tell!
And all ye mortals, sing the praise
Of fair and valiant LAURIEL.
Back to the Adder's Lair