By The Plaid Adder

Comments: plaidder@mindspring.com

So, I went to see Champions on Ice again this year on Saturday, and forgot to post a report. Events have faded in my mind, but because I know Morgan is out there waiting for this with bated breath (OK, Morgan, humor me and say it's true), here are my fragmentary reflections:

First of all, it wasn't as good as last time. I know it's never as good as the first time, in general, but I think this also had to do with 2 things: 1) the enormous number of men skaters versus the very small number of women skaters and 2) a related deterioration in the quality of the male skaters' programs. The Champions on Ice people have evidently looked at the demographics and decided that what their audience wants to see is not so much excellent skating as excellent beefcake.

There were some exceptions to this trend. Victor Petrenko, for instance, did a very nice Elvis medley wearing a baggy prison suit (Jailhouse Rock, you see) in which he proved that old as he may be getting, he can still jump. Brian Boitano skated a very interesting number to a song called "Blue," which had kind of a blue theme. Some guy named Dan Hollander did a comic routine to "The Rabbit of Seville" in which, with the aid of a reversible costume, he played both Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. (Cute concept; I found the execution a little clunky.) But most of the men were just out there shaking their little tushes on the catwalk. Michael Weiss, for instance, encased his lower half in shiny silver something or other and went out and skated to what I think, if my ears did not deceive me, was a Backstreet Boys medley. It was some kind of boy band. Elvis Stojko skated a program to "You Really Got Me," which I think I have seen before on TV, which involved him crawling across the ice at one point. In fairness to Elvis I have to say that what I liked about that number was a) at least it wasn't the fucking Backstreet Boys and b) Elvis has enough confidence in his ass that he doesn't have to cover it in blinding metallic fabric to feel like people will be interested in it. Plus c) he can still jump and d) unlike Michael Weiss he does have some charisma.

While I'm on the subject of male skaters and beefcake, I must not forget to publicly tender my apologies to Yevgeny Pleshenko for the mean and nasty things I said about his exhibition program. Like so many things, that number makes MUCH more sense when you see it in context. Specifically, it makes more sense after you've just seen Philippe Candeloro's "bullfighting Chippendale" program.

Candeloro has always had that Attitude, but at least last year he was skating while he was seducing the audience. The 3 Musketeers number was a great program with good choreography and some jumping. This matador thing is just nothing but foul. First of all, in the first costume (when he still has his clothes on) he looks like a cross between a bellhop and a refugee from a high school marching band. Second, he's got a red flag which he can wave whenever he can't be bothered to do anything else. Thirdly, he spends most of the program taking off one piece of clothing after another, and doing not much else. And fourthly, he appeared to be taking himself seriously. All the while he's doing a "program" which is basically a striptease, pure and simple. Even Gypsy Rose Lee's act had more artistic integrity and creativity than this thing. This, I thought to myself, as I watched him baring his chest to his screaming fans, is a guy who probably has a lot of trouble respecting himself in the morning. Or, at least, should have trouble.

So once you've seen Candeloro's unbelievable piece of horsehocky, Pleshenko's "Sex Bomb" routine suddenly starts to look like satire rather than...I dunno what exactly it looked like the first time I saw it. I know Morgan tried to explain this to me, but words alone cannot convey the visceral impact of Candeloro's program, and so it was not until I had experienced the horror for myself that I could appreciate Pleshenko's decision to develop thsi number. If I were a male skater on that damn tour, I sure as hell would want to spoof that damn program, and I no longer hold the shiny gold speedos against him. What I do think was a mistake was doing that program anywhere other than in a show which also includes Philippe Candeloro.

But the prize for the best commentary on the beefcake phenomenon goes to Rudy Galindo, who showed us once again why the world needs camp. After, perhaps, having been to the meeting where the tour producers got up and said, "Guys, remember...it's all about your ass," Rudy has put together a program which is a self-conscious commentary on whoring yourself for the fans. At least this is my reading of it based on this evidence:

• The music is "Big Spender." (Which, for those not familiar with the number, is all about finding yourself a sugar daddy, and includes lines like, "I don't pop my cork for every guy I meet.")
• Not content merely to outline his ass in sharp relief, Rudy wears a form-hugging all-over black bodysuit, and covers it with glitter.
• Not only does Rudy self-consciously fondle his ass, at one point he bends over with his hands on the ice and his buttcheeks thrust at the audience, as if to say, "OK, I'm assuming the position, whenever you're ready."

So what I like about Rudy's program, aside from its self-conscious ironic commentary, is that the program is actually challenging, with real choreography and jumps. I mean, Rudy sure has taken that "out loud and proud" thing and just run with it till he's disappearing over the horizon...but he's still doing triples, and they're beautiful to watch. So take that, Philippe! Plus, I should point out that the screams of the women in the audience were much louder and more sustained for Rudy than for Candeloro, which only shows you that if you really want someone to show you how to tart it up, don't go to a straight man first.

Also emerging from the fray with his self-respect intact and even enhanced is Todd Eldredge, who is skating either his competition program or a version thereof, and who impressed us both in that arena in a way he never had on TV. Cause damn, the guy can spin, and OK he's wearing the Amish Klingon suit, but at least he keeps it on.

When it comes to the women, at least we didn't have the striptease problem, but it was still a mixed bag. Nicole Bobek is now doing a Bob Fosse program based on Cabaret which I thought was very nice but was underappreciated by an audience who probably wasn't ready for numbers like "Mein Herr." She also went first, and is beginning to show the signs of Oksana Baiul syndrome (wobbly and infrequent jumps, a lot of slow movement). Oksana, incidentally, is no longer on the tour; we wonder where she is, and are afraid that the answer is, "in a ditch somewhere with an empty bottle of Night Train." The only other women were Suriya Bonaly (who still kicks ass, no matter how weird her taste in costumes might be), Michelle Kwan, and Irina Slutskaya.

We were surprised to see Slutskaya on the tour, but I guess she's gotta make money like everyone else. Well, I have to say that of all the skaters on that program, her performance was the most lackluster. She clearly was not at all invested in what she was doing, and even her jumps were weak. I forget what cheesy Celine Dionesque thing she skated to, but the title of it should have been "Give Me My Check And Then Scram." Michelle Kwan's program was lovely, but clearly far less challenging than her competition stuff; and one of the disappointing things about the whole show, really, is knowing that a lot of these skaters can do a lot better. Liza is now talking about seeing if we can make it to the nationals one of these days, and that would probably be more satisfying to us than these pro tours, ultimately.

There were some nice surprises in the pairs and dance programs--Punsalan and Swallow's was really beautiful, for instance, and Bereshnaya and Sikuralidzev did a cute program in which both of them were dressed up as vagabond street urchin types; what I liked about it was that she was androgynous and the relationship was more of a buddy type thing than a romantic pair, which makes the whole thing more interesting. There was also a bizarre yet compelling interlude with two male skaters who were billed only as "Vladimir and Alexei" whcih basically involved a lot of tumbling, and probably could have been performed just as effectively on dry land only there wouldn't have been as much physical comedy involving sharp skate blades and private parts. And the opening and closing numbers involving all the skaters were much better this year, even if the final number did involve getting all the women into "Western saloon whore" costumes with matching feather boas.

So, next time we'll know: if you don't like beefcake, stay away from "Champions on Ice." Ah well.