AskMen.com Asks For It

Normally I don’t reply to spam. But when I got this message, I just couldn’t resist.

Dear Webmaster,

AskMen.com has selected your site to promote the beauty of Jeri Ryan and her role in the Star Trek Voyager series. We are featuring Jeri as our actress of the week. Hopefully, we can create a between our sites and generate a great new flow of traffic.

We would feature your permanent link on this week’s feature and also in the links section under celebrity. http://www.askmen.com/links/women.html. If interested, please link AskMen.com: The premiere online men’s magazine URL: http://www.AskMen.com on your main page or links section. Please send us the URL where AskMen.com is linked and we will reciprocate the link as mentioned above. Please note that a banner is available here http://www.askmen.com/images/banner1.gif

Thank you for your time,

Christopher Rovny
AskMen.com
Web Relations
http://www.AskMen.com

After visiting their site, I put together this thoughtful and informed response and mailed it to them:

Dear Mr. Rovny,

I read your email with great interest. After perusing your site, I fear I must decline to link my site to it. In the interest of assisting you in your attempt to widen AskMen's web audience, I offer the following remarks:

1) A little research may help you target your readers more effectively. For instance, if you had actually visited my site, you would have noticed that it makes no reference whatsoever to Jeri Ryan. Had you followed the links on my site you might eventually have found a few references to Jeri Ryan, but most of them would be not so much "promoting the beauty of Jeri Ryan" as "wondering what those breasts are made out of and why anybody with two brain cells to rub together would think they were real."

2) Not wishing to make the same mistake you did, I visited your site to determine whether a link between my site and AskMen.com might be productive. It is true that at first glance there seem to be many compatible features, to wit:

• Your site features women. My site also features women.
• Your site features an article about annoying male behaviors. My site also includes material that references annoying male behaviors.
• Your site is partially devoted to matters of finance and economics. My site is also partially devoted to matters of finance and economics.
• Your site includes reviews and commentary. My site includes reviews and commentary.

However, upon further consideration, I decided that these similarities are outweighed by the differences, to wit:

• The first graphic visible on your site is a Guess ad. The first graphic visible on my website is an allegorical representation of feminism strangling capitalism, imperialism and the patriarchy.
• Your editorial staff appears to be approximately 20% female. My editorial staff is 100% female.
• Your site defines "beautiful woman" as "stick-thin with pouty lips, huge breasts and hair that came out of a bottle." My site defines "beautiful woman" as "smart, loud, and chock-full of whup-ass."
• Your site includes many full-body shots of Jeri Ryan in skin-tight outfits. The closest my site gets to this is http://www.plaidder.com/wof/thurk.htm.
• Your site links to a page whose author gives Courtney Love an attractiveness rating of 72, arguing that Love becomes beautiful only when she is "quiet and dignified." My site links to a page whose author would break you in half for saying that if only she knew where you lived.
• Your site appears to cater almost exclusively to straight, white, affluent males. The only straight, white, affluent males on my site are the ones being eaten by the snake.

In sum, I must regretfully conclude that an association between our two sites would probably not be productive for either of us. However, you have provided a welcome diversion in my otherwise hectic working week, and reminded me once again of the importance of maintaining a site which offers a view of the world that is different from the one that informs AskMen.com. With best wishes for your success in your chosen market niche, I remain,

Sincerely yours,

The Plaid Adder