When You Whore For Dubya

(with apologies to Kander and Ebb, and indeed, everyone)

ARI FLEISCHER:

Ask any of the journos in my pool,
They'll tell you I'm the biggest--

HELEN THOMAS: (standing up and yelling from the back) LYING FOOL!

(ARI nods to the goons on the stage; they move into the audience searching for Helen)

ARI: I love them all and all of them--

MOHBIKER: LOATHE!!

ARI: Me...(more goons are despatched to look for Mohbiker)

Because the system works!
The system called
Reciprocity...

(tom-toms start up as Ari goes into his fan dance)

There's a little motto
Always sees me through:
When you whore for Dubya
Dubya whores for you.

There's a lotta favors
He's prepared to do;
Grease the wheels for Dubya,
He'll gush oil for you.

Don't say he lies,
Don't say he's dumb,
Don't say he's not in charge--
Just praise his faith
Till Kingdom Come,
And you'll be livin' large!

Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too?
When you whore for Dubya,
Dubya whores for you!

At the scripted conference,
Don't upset the queue;
Pitch softballs to Dubya,
He'll get hard for you.

The folks who own your paper
Want payola too;
You put out for Dubya,
They'll pay in for you.

Don't talk about
The WOMDs or
The chaos in Iraq--
The next to say
"Afghanistan"
Joins Helen in the back!

Let's suck up together
Like the Fox news crew--
Brown your nose for Dubya,
He'll brown his for you.

So what's the one conclusion
I could bring this number to?

(HELEN breaks free of her captors and charges the stage in a murderous rage, but is subdued by security before she reaches him)

When you whore for Dubya...
Dub-ya whoooores...for youuuuuu!